There are good friendships and relationships. Really good ones you guard with your heart. And then there are toxic ones. Ones where you feel like less that yourself, feel manipulated or leave feeling drained (among other things). Looking back on things I have experienced a fair few toxic relationships in my time. But I've never fully understood them or taking an active part in ending them. I more or less rode it like a wave.
That changed recently. The day before yesterday I went through 12 pages of google articles on ending toxic relationships. Because I realised I was holding on to so much pain and anger from a what you could call 'previous friendship'. And it was so exhausting. Though I learnt a lot through my google search there just wasn't an article which gave me a step by step how to in the way I wanted. And the simple reason for that is because there is no easy way about ending a toxic relationship. It all depends on the situations and the people involved. Deep down in your heart you will know what is right, and you'll need to follow that. But for all purposes, this is the long lengthy process at how you can go about ending a friendship that was once a major part of your life but is no longer serving you well (I think that part is pretty key). Don't for one minute feel like the bad guy because you are essentially parting ways with someone. Its how life works and for some reason its become taboo.
- Know Your Reason and Stick by It
No one 'ends' a friendship without a reason. And I think its important to realise that you simply won't connect with everyone. People change, its a human trait. So growing out of friendships is to be expected. I'm going to say it here; you don't owe your toxic friend an explantation. This one is a hard one for me to accept. But any explaining you do is you doing for them and the whole reason you are not giving so much of yourself to this friendship anymore is because it is not serving you well. Do what is right for you.
- Slow Distancing
Option a. Though considered cowardly by some, sometimes slowly distancing yourself is the best option. Just putting a gap between yourselves can help you reevaluate exactly what you want out of this friendship. When you are in a toxic friendship you can often time feel guilty for doing what is right by you. And I'm telling you right now to stop feeling that guilt. Though this person was your friend, no matter how long or how good they were, right now you are no longer meshing. It would be a disservice to both of you if you continue in it. And its important for you to do what is best for your mental health and well being. It can be considered cold, cowardly or even bitchy. But i think its courageous. Having the courage to leave a relationship you feel trapped in, forced to stay in or just not happy in is a ok.
- Tell Them How It Is
Option b. Often times seen to be the braver options it can end in tears just like the former. This option is a more 'rip off the bandaid' kinda one. Just get it over and done with. Its honest which is the nice part about it and doesn't leave your ex-friend guessing.
- Block them on Social Media
Just like you would do an ex partner its probably wise you stop stalking them on facebook. Its really not a good idea. And will make you feel all kinds of sad, shame and guilt. Not to mention the feeling that you're missing out on a friendship even though deep down inside you know this is the right move to make.
- Working Through The Pain
Even if you're the one who leaves a friendship; just like if you're the one who breaks up with another person there is still a whole mountain of pain that needs to be sifted through. And it can take some time. And by some I mean a lot. For me on the receiving end of having a friendship end I took a year to work through that pain. I've also experienced the other side where I 'phased out' a friendship and that was tough as well. Working through it involved working through layers of mistrust, pain and anger. Writing letters is something that helps me until I end up writing a letter that oozes of light feelings rather than anger. Some people say that the only way to move forward is to forgive. Its not that you are forgetting the pain. It is that you've lived through it and now you are moving on in your life. Allowing better things to come in. I think its so important to realise that working through the pain can take years. It can take months. And it is a lot of work in itself. So just keep chipping away at it.
Links
This is a good article on the Art of Charm which helps you see exactly what a toxic friend is, why its important to move forward and ways to do so. Probably my favourite one I read because it validated how i was feeling. It kinda acted like a big warm hug.
This article is another nice concise one. Plain and simple will help a gal out when she needs it.
What is your standpoint on breaking up with friends? Lets open that can of worms and get talkin!
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